18 out of 24 new users experience side effects, which can include nausea, dizziness, vomiting, loss of appetite, excessive sweating and high blood pressure; while a slightly lower percentage report severe joint inflammation, shallow & ragged breathing, painful muscle cramps, bleeding gums, swollen genitals, and/or extreme & uncontrollable twitching. In a smaller number of cases, subjects developed lumps & goiters, suppurating boils & open sores, central nervous system malfunctions and temporary heart stoppages. In rare cases, subjects go blind, inflate with noxious gas and die in horrible agony.
Our Research & Marketing Departments have suggested that we underplay the more harmful side effects, include a barely readable warning of ‘possible dysfunctions’, and, in a massive advertising campaign, emphasize that benefits far outweigh any possible dangers. TV commercials will depict sexually aroused couples on the beach at sunset, bright-eyed children playing with dogs, mothers beaming over fresh-baked apple pies, smiling husbands with power tools and entire families together singing upbeat songs on well-manicured lawns. A voice-over will explain how our new wonder product/drug will increase happiness, wealth, inner peace and prestige, while boosting energy levels, increasing appetite and insuring a good night’s sleep. Radio spots will include popular hip-hop artists testifying that it increases the cleverness of their raps and helps them ‘Keep it Real’, heavy-metal headbangers who swear it elevates the intensity of screaming guitar riffs, and Country & Western singers who claim that it deepens the melancholy of their lyrics.
We expect our product to exceed the combined yearly sale of aspirin, valium, prozac, toothpaste and viagra, and are encouraging investments from CEO’s, corporate embezzlers, drug lords, oil cartels, and insanely rich professional athletes.Our product will be marketed under the brand name ‘Da Bomb!’, and will be available wherever anything is sold. We will aggressively rebut or ignore any public health warnings, and expect to become obscenely wealthy in a short period of time.